Nothing Makes Me Feel Lamer About My Kid Nation Blog Than Seeing How People Found it

Still in mourning you guys. I always meant to post about what Google searches brought people to our blog and I guess now is as good a time as any. Mainly because I drank a lot of wine at lunch and can't really go around giving drunken legal advice now can I? To all the 12 year olds who read our blog (i.e., our entire audience)-- that's called malpractice. See, we are an informative kid nation blog.

To the person who searched for "bonfire in my pocket burning to be spent"- will you be my new best friend? Seriously.

To the people who searched for Zach's dad- 1) why do you care; 2) i think I found him last night (also wine-fueled) by using Zach's last name from IMDB and the phrase "miami lawyer". He is a partner at a firm and he does tax law. Oh, and to the person who searched for "grab a seat zach's dad"- you also can be my new best friend forever (as Kelsey would say).

Um, LOTS of people searched for Migle, but I will assume you are all 12 and not predators waiting to be caught. Also, this is my fault for not checking the stats until now because it only has a record for like the last day and obvs everyone is all about Migle right now. For the record- I am pro-Migle. She had the kids sign her jeans!! I also will be looking for those on ebay, along with Markelle's cap.

Speaking of which, I also love all the people who searched for info on Markelle's cap, even though none of them used the term "jaunty."

Special message to all the people who searched for "kid nation fake"--- you can sleep with the chickens in the blue team's bunk. Kid Nation is real and I hate you.

Ah, I wish I'd written these down the one other time I looked at them because then they were all about Nathan having OCD and "what did Sophia say to Guylan" and Jared's pimp outfit. Anyway, thanks for reading the blog guys!

BIGGEST SHAFT AWARD...

...goes to me because CBS did not show the bleach drinking incident.

 

Other raw deals:

1.  Mike.  Awful Sophia gets TWO gold stars and he gets none?  Garbage.  And don't just think I'm biased because you don't see me advocating a Colton gold star.

2.  Me again, for being so badly let down by Michael and DK. I used to love those guys and now they are the biggest pansies.  "My legs hurt!"  More like he didn't want the pressure of deciding three gold stars (you saw how much trouble he had with one early in the show) so he was trying to throw the challenge.  And Michael. "We can't build the tables because we don't have How-To books because we didn't pick the library"?!?!?  Have you forgotten that you have McGyver/Greg?  WTF. 

3.  Migle.  When Sophia and Morgan got stars, everyone was like, cool, I get it.  But when they said Migle's name, everyone (her mom especially) was in absolute shock.  Talk about no one believing in you!  Fortunately, $50k should soften the blow.

MIGLE for the win

Migle totally deserves $50k for being part of two of the best scenes in Kid Nation history--- Jared's pimp strut (she was the one sitting outside who told him he looked good) and the emilie vs. kelsey battle of the sidekicks.

p.s. How many kids are going to say that these are the "best people they've met in their entire life" and that BCity is "the only place they belong"??? Enough already. Sappy.

Obvs I will have more thoughts on this tomorrow. I can't believe it's over. Begin depression.

Jaunty Cap Alert

Did you guys see how all the kids signed Markelle's hat? I totally paused it to read what they wrote, but the only one that I could read was "Markelle, you're amazing. I heart U. - Natasha." PLEASE PUT THAT HAT ON EBAY. I WANT TO BUY IT. SERIOUSLY.

can't believe a parent didn't punch the host

Ok so it took exactly 20 minutes to make pasta sauce and exactly 25 min to build a table (even though Greg has built a table before), but they somehow hauled all that garbage in 15? I don’t buy it.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE PARENTS' VISTS:
- “ok ok, that’s enough” - alex in response to the hugging
- Colton's mom's cleavage
- Jared teaching his dad how to do root beer bombs
- Nathan's mom encouraging his OCD by carrying water
- Leila calling her mom a city slicker
- Blaine's mom's attempt at preppyness
- "grab a seat Zach's dad"

I may be blue, but I'm sleeping with yellow...or am I??

kelsey's "it's not you, it's me" speech to emilie (and the ensuing brawl) = best best best. I guess taming Taylor is harder than taming wild horses.

Jared better win one of these super gold stars or I'm boycotting KN2.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Woah, arson and looting in the first ten minutes! I guess I support arson if it means that the stupid journal is gone. Re: the looting-- I wouldn't want gumballs even if they were free, but it would be fun to fill a wagon full of candy (even if that wagon has an old-tyme pogo stick taking up prime space). I loved that Leila started grabbing buffalo nickels. SMART GIRL. Those are prob worth something. Also, how did we never notice that Mike is the white Steve Urkel? When he started dancing, I was getting ready for him to say "got any cheese??" or say something to Carl or little richie. Ha, Urkel. Ok back to the show! Can't believe it's almost over.

Where's the Tragedy?

I can point to no hard sources, but I've got a memory of someone mentioning that one of the kids drinks bleach on KN at some point.  Who?  Why?  CBS better not cut this out.  We've got only one episode left, it's now or never. Here are my predictions, in order of probability:

 

1.  Bleach Possibility 1:  Jared.  He missed out on the gold star last week and is really making a go of it this week by pushing his braininess.  As such, he's drunk on ambition and a bizarre quanta-transporter experiment goes horribly wrong.  Or does it go right?  The child genius meant to drink his quanta-converting concoction but Divad switches the beakers at the last second (she's still pissed about the store casualty).  Jared (along with his quanta) are gone, mysteriously transported to the greedy-money cave where he lives out the rest of his life as a mad scientist.

 

2.  Bleach Possibility 2:  Greg.  Someone dared him to do it and, because he'd accidentally imbibed a gallon of the stuff during his brief career as a pool-man without folly, he assumes it's okay to do again.  And he's fine because nothing can hurt this kid.

 

3.  Bleach Possibility 3:  Kelsey.  She thought it was water.  Everyone cries (bet you didn't see THAT coming) and they rush her to a hospital in a hot air balloon.  Greg regrets not picking the ponies which would have proven speedier transport.

It takes all kinds to make BCity succeed

child prodigies


and dumb kids too

Conspiracy Theories

This episode was even more unbelievable than the normal level of ridiculousness I have come to expect from the Kid Nation producers.

Why couldn't the TC be back in time for the challenge? They got one crappy piece of advice from those fake Native Americans; there was no need to stay as long as they did. Also, Sheriff Sophia was clearly a plot-furthering device. I hate being lied to by children's programming.

Most importantly, I think the reward challenge was fixed. According to the on-screen clock, all 4 teams took 20 minutes to carry their roofs. The leading teams took 20 more minutes to carry the walls and then it seemed like they were moving almost as slowly with the alpaca, chickens, etc. Yellow finished the house with only two minutes left but still got everything done in time. I don't buy it! FIXED.

I have other conspiracy theories too but I have to go do a conference call. Having a kid nation blog is harder if you are an adult!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Where did those goats come from? And since when is an alpaca a pioneer necessity? Will that BCity monument be buried with the miniature golf course and the real laundry machines? I have lots of unanswered questions, as always.

I would like to state for the record that Kid Nation II needs to have all the younger siblings of this season's kids. Alex's brother is even cuter than Alex!! And you know that Jared's sister (author of that epic letter) will be just as entertaining as him. Didn't DK mention 6 siblings? Bring them all! I can't wait.

My favorite moment in this episode was when the kids were all arguing about the reward choice and suddenly the camera cut to Pharoah just saying "AHHHHHHHHH." I think he added a lot to the discourse.

Alex's Femur is Smarter Than Kelsey

OK, how stupid was it that the hot air balloons just flew over the fake town? What kind of great prize is that? Not that great if you ask me. How about some better scenery? Re: the other reward choice--- the monument is worthless because it would be in the middle of the desert in a fake ghost town and no one would ever see it (unless they happened to be taking one of those thrilling five minute balloon rides). And it was kinda small. Monuments should be giant (shoutout to the Lincoln memorial). Worst reward choices ever! But I guess if these ingrates are going to abandon previous prizes (locking the arcade, probably not brushing their teeth, NEVER reading the bibles, etc.) then I don't feel too sorry for them.

All I have to say about Sophia's plot of land experiment is that it was so funny that she was defending her land by sitting on a stool wielding a broom (see above photo). Bonus points for the creative weapon choice. She should have gotten a quick lesson about homesteading from Jared before that stunt. He could've helped her beef up her argument.

I am less impressed with Alex's knowledge of linguistics and carbon dating (and the word "paradox") than I am with the fact that he understands the true value of $20,000. That kid rules! May his children and grandchildren enjoy that money!

Oh, I really liked that scene where the yellow team girls were trying to one-up each other with their injuries. I think Leila said her back hurt and then Taylor said her finger was broken. Not to be outdone, that other girl said that it felt like her knee was cut off. Random girl for the win!

Memo to Zach: this is Kid Nation, not 60 yo man nation. Stop acting like someone's wacky grandpa. Quit singing. Quit talking in weird whispery voices.

p.s. i am going to post again tmw with some conspiracy theories!!

The Only Thing it Proves is How She is Awful (aka another reason I'm anti-sophia)

Kid Nation is an experiment to test the ability of kids to run a "nation".  It is not Sophia's laboratory for her Psych 101 class.  She's always pulling this "my theory" crap.  Remember the kettle of goopy stuff with some nickels at the bottom? That was to test one of her brilliant theories (ie people will do anything for money).  Reaching your hand into a sloppy mess isn't that outlandish.  If I recall, it was all food in the kettle--nothing that vile.  And after kids reach in for the dough, she gets that smug-ass look on her face as though she knew it all along.  And tonight she blocks off a piece of land to test her theory that, if they can't have it, kids will want to have it even more.  And when kids get pissed [Note:  I'm a little sketchy here. The power went out and my dvr missed approx 2 min of footage] she, in a mighty self-satisfactory maner, believes it proves her theory.  Yet, it's only because the kids legit think she's being awful.  And they are not alone.  I join them in this camp. 

Sheriff Sophia

I hope Sophia lets power corrupt her and starts making some major changes to BCity. My predictions: assigned reading, book reports, separation of church and state, upper class will now be determined by an IQ test, and the entire yellow team is banished to that cave where they found $18 worth of greed.

P.S. I don't think either of us mentioned DANCEMAN yet and since it was the funniest 15 seconds in the history of television, I feel the need to mention it on the record. That is all.