Nothing Makes Me Feel Lamer About My Kid Nation Blog Than Seeing How People Found it

Still in mourning you guys. I always meant to post about what Google searches brought people to our blog and I guess now is as good a time as any. Mainly because I drank a lot of wine at lunch and can't really go around giving drunken legal advice now can I? To all the 12 year olds who read our blog (i.e., our entire audience)-- that's called malpractice. See, we are an informative kid nation blog.

To the person who searched for "bonfire in my pocket burning to be spent"- will you be my new best friend? Seriously.

To the people who searched for Zach's dad- 1) why do you care; 2) i think I found him last night (also wine-fueled) by using Zach's last name from IMDB and the phrase "miami lawyer". He is a partner at a firm and he does tax law. Oh, and to the person who searched for "grab a seat zach's dad"- you also can be my new best friend forever (as Kelsey would say).

Um, LOTS of people searched for Migle, but I will assume you are all 12 and not predators waiting to be caught. Also, this is my fault for not checking the stats until now because it only has a record for like the last day and obvs everyone is all about Migle right now. For the record- I am pro-Migle. She had the kids sign her jeans!! I also will be looking for those on ebay, along with Markelle's cap.

Speaking of which, I also love all the people who searched for info on Markelle's cap, even though none of them used the term "jaunty."

Special message to all the people who searched for "kid nation fake"--- you can sleep with the chickens in the blue team's bunk. Kid Nation is real and I hate you.

Ah, I wish I'd written these down the one other time I looked at them because then they were all about Nathan having OCD and "what did Sophia say to Guylan" and Jared's pimp outfit. Anyway, thanks for reading the blog guys!

BIGGEST SHAFT AWARD...

...goes to me because CBS did not show the bleach drinking incident.

 

Other raw deals:

1.  Mike.  Awful Sophia gets TWO gold stars and he gets none?  Garbage.  And don't just think I'm biased because you don't see me advocating a Colton gold star.

2.  Me again, for being so badly let down by Michael and DK. I used to love those guys and now they are the biggest pansies.  "My legs hurt!"  More like he didn't want the pressure of deciding three gold stars (you saw how much trouble he had with one early in the show) so he was trying to throw the challenge.  And Michael. "We can't build the tables because we don't have How-To books because we didn't pick the library"?!?!?  Have you forgotten that you have McGyver/Greg?  WTF. 

3.  Migle.  When Sophia and Morgan got stars, everyone was like, cool, I get it.  But when they said Migle's name, everyone (her mom especially) was in absolute shock.  Talk about no one believing in you!  Fortunately, $50k should soften the blow.

MIGLE for the win

Migle totally deserves $50k for being part of two of the best scenes in Kid Nation history--- Jared's pimp strut (she was the one sitting outside who told him he looked good) and the emilie vs. kelsey battle of the sidekicks.

p.s. How many kids are going to say that these are the "best people they've met in their entire life" and that BCity is "the only place they belong"??? Enough already. Sappy.

Obvs I will have more thoughts on this tomorrow. I can't believe it's over. Begin depression.

Jaunty Cap Alert

Did you guys see how all the kids signed Markelle's hat? I totally paused it to read what they wrote, but the only one that I could read was "Markelle, you're amazing. I heart U. - Natasha." PLEASE PUT THAT HAT ON EBAY. I WANT TO BUY IT. SERIOUSLY.

can't believe a parent didn't punch the host

Ok so it took exactly 20 minutes to make pasta sauce and exactly 25 min to build a table (even though Greg has built a table before), but they somehow hauled all that garbage in 15? I don’t buy it.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE PARENTS' VISTS:
- “ok ok, that’s enough” - alex in response to the hugging
- Colton's mom's cleavage
- Jared teaching his dad how to do root beer bombs
- Nathan's mom encouraging his OCD by carrying water
- Leila calling her mom a city slicker
- Blaine's mom's attempt at preppyness
- "grab a seat Zach's dad"

I may be blue, but I'm sleeping with yellow...or am I??

kelsey's "it's not you, it's me" speech to emilie (and the ensuing brawl) = best best best. I guess taming Taylor is harder than taming wild horses.

Jared better win one of these super gold stars or I'm boycotting KN2.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Woah, arson and looting in the first ten minutes! I guess I support arson if it means that the stupid journal is gone. Re: the looting-- I wouldn't want gumballs even if they were free, but it would be fun to fill a wagon full of candy (even if that wagon has an old-tyme pogo stick taking up prime space). I loved that Leila started grabbing buffalo nickels. SMART GIRL. Those are prob worth something. Also, how did we never notice that Mike is the white Steve Urkel? When he started dancing, I was getting ready for him to say "got any cheese??" or say something to Carl or little richie. Ha, Urkel. Ok back to the show! Can't believe it's almost over.

Where's the Tragedy?

I can point to no hard sources, but I've got a memory of someone mentioning that one of the kids drinks bleach on KN at some point.  Who?  Why?  CBS better not cut this out.  We've got only one episode left, it's now or never. Here are my predictions, in order of probability:

 

1.  Bleach Possibility 1:  Jared.  He missed out on the gold star last week and is really making a go of it this week by pushing his braininess.  As such, he's drunk on ambition and a bizarre quanta-transporter experiment goes horribly wrong.  Or does it go right?  The child genius meant to drink his quanta-converting concoction but Divad switches the beakers at the last second (she's still pissed about the store casualty).  Jared (along with his quanta) are gone, mysteriously transported to the greedy-money cave where he lives out the rest of his life as a mad scientist.

 

2.  Bleach Possibility 2:  Greg.  Someone dared him to do it and, because he'd accidentally imbibed a gallon of the stuff during his brief career as a pool-man without folly, he assumes it's okay to do again.  And he's fine because nothing can hurt this kid.

 

3.  Bleach Possibility 3:  Kelsey.  She thought it was water.  Everyone cries (bet you didn't see THAT coming) and they rush her to a hospital in a hot air balloon.  Greg regrets not picking the ponies which would have proven speedier transport.

It takes all kinds to make BCity succeed

child prodigies


and dumb kids too

Conspiracy Theories

This episode was even more unbelievable than the normal level of ridiculousness I have come to expect from the Kid Nation producers.

Why couldn't the TC be back in time for the challenge? They got one crappy piece of advice from those fake Native Americans; there was no need to stay as long as they did. Also, Sheriff Sophia was clearly a plot-furthering device. I hate being lied to by children's programming.

Most importantly, I think the reward challenge was fixed. According to the on-screen clock, all 4 teams took 20 minutes to carry their roofs. The leading teams took 20 more minutes to carry the walls and then it seemed like they were moving almost as slowly with the alpaca, chickens, etc. Yellow finished the house with only two minutes left but still got everything done in time. I don't buy it! FIXED.

I have other conspiracy theories too but I have to go do a conference call. Having a kid nation blog is harder if you are an adult!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Where did those goats come from? And since when is an alpaca a pioneer necessity? Will that BCity monument be buried with the miniature golf course and the real laundry machines? I have lots of unanswered questions, as always.

I would like to state for the record that Kid Nation II needs to have all the younger siblings of this season's kids. Alex's brother is even cuter than Alex!! And you know that Jared's sister (author of that epic letter) will be just as entertaining as him. Didn't DK mention 6 siblings? Bring them all! I can't wait.

My favorite moment in this episode was when the kids were all arguing about the reward choice and suddenly the camera cut to Pharoah just saying "AHHHHHHHHH." I think he added a lot to the discourse.

Alex's Femur is Smarter Than Kelsey

OK, how stupid was it that the hot air balloons just flew over the fake town? What kind of great prize is that? Not that great if you ask me. How about some better scenery? Re: the other reward choice--- the monument is worthless because it would be in the middle of the desert in a fake ghost town and no one would ever see it (unless they happened to be taking one of those thrilling five minute balloon rides). And it was kinda small. Monuments should be giant (shoutout to the Lincoln memorial). Worst reward choices ever! But I guess if these ingrates are going to abandon previous prizes (locking the arcade, probably not brushing their teeth, NEVER reading the bibles, etc.) then I don't feel too sorry for them.

All I have to say about Sophia's plot of land experiment is that it was so funny that she was defending her land by sitting on a stool wielding a broom (see above photo). Bonus points for the creative weapon choice. She should have gotten a quick lesson about homesteading from Jared before that stunt. He could've helped her beef up her argument.

I am less impressed with Alex's knowledge of linguistics and carbon dating (and the word "paradox") than I am with the fact that he understands the true value of $20,000. That kid rules! May his children and grandchildren enjoy that money!

Oh, I really liked that scene where the yellow team girls were trying to one-up each other with their injuries. I think Leila said her back hurt and then Taylor said her finger was broken. Not to be outdone, that other girl said that it felt like her knee was cut off. Random girl for the win!

Memo to Zach: this is Kid Nation, not 60 yo man nation. Stop acting like someone's wacky grandpa. Quit singing. Quit talking in weird whispery voices.

p.s. i am going to post again tmw with some conspiracy theories!!

The Only Thing it Proves is How She is Awful (aka another reason I'm anti-sophia)

Kid Nation is an experiment to test the ability of kids to run a "nation".  It is not Sophia's laboratory for her Psych 101 class.  She's always pulling this "my theory" crap.  Remember the kettle of goopy stuff with some nickels at the bottom? That was to test one of her brilliant theories (ie people will do anything for money).  Reaching your hand into a sloppy mess isn't that outlandish.  If I recall, it was all food in the kettle--nothing that vile.  And after kids reach in for the dough, she gets that smug-ass look on her face as though she knew it all along.  And tonight she blocks off a piece of land to test her theory that, if they can't have it, kids will want to have it even more.  And when kids get pissed [Note:  I'm a little sketchy here. The power went out and my dvr missed approx 2 min of footage] she, in a mighty self-satisfactory maner, believes it proves her theory.  Yet, it's only because the kids legit think she's being awful.  And they are not alone.  I join them in this camp. 

Sheriff Sophia

I hope Sophia lets power corrupt her and starts making some major changes to BCity. My predictions: assigned reading, book reports, separation of church and state, upper class will now be determined by an IQ test, and the entire yellow team is banished to that cave where they found $18 worth of greed.

P.S. I don't think either of us mentioned DANCEMAN yet and since it was the funniest 15 seconds in the history of television, I feel the need to mention it on the record. That is all.

A Note about Rewards

Why is the reward always a choice between an actual reward and something that is so clearly NOT a reward?  A library full of encyclopedias and text books is not a reward.  Harry Potter and comic books might be considered a reward, but I didn't notice any of those in the crate.  Dental hygiene products?  ALSO not a reward.  Using a toothbrush is not fun, even if it is an electric toothbrush.  A reward should be something that makes Mallory look like this:

 

She did not look like this when they showed the books.  Please take my point, CBS. 

 

Book Learnin'

"Education is the root of civilization. If a person is uneducated, they'll be flipping burgers at the supermarket." Wait a minute Jared, do they even have burgers at the supermarket?

Ok, I am super busy, but I really need to talk about this "history of Bonanza City" letdown. I assumed that CBS got some college intern to make up a fake history of this fake town. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to just be a history of the local Native Americans. Not cool.

Also, how hard is it to sit in a room and listen to a kid read to you from a fake book? Answer: not hard. Especially when the alternative is sitting around in a chicken coop. What I'm saying is that Taylor is dumb. Maybe if she liked learning, she'd have learned some basic logic by now.

Did you guys hear when the host guy told the kids they are "good students and good shooters." FALSE!! Zach thought there was an Indian tribe called the pintos and Mike wasted all the red team's ammo. Hunter is an aberration, but that could be expected b/c of his experience with guns. Also, his name is Hunter.

10 chickens, 1 ax, 10 heads

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE PART 2, y'all!!! Emilie has a new ally in Taylor. And another ally in Kelsey because she is a lackey. Wait, does it count as civil disobedience if they advocate the killing of ugly chickens? That would be like if MLK said to disenfranchise Asians, right?

Be honest guys- when did you first know about pi?? I think I first heard of it in high school and I am really good at math!! Alex is trying to out-nerd Jared, but it is hard to compete with Jared's knowledge of extraterrestrials/weird hat. Anjay can only look on in defeat; he has been thoroughly out-nerded. Next week Alex will probably mention L'Hopital's Rule or polar coordinates or...um those are all the calculus terms i can remember. Basically what I'm saying is that "Anjay the genius" would so lose in a chess game against either Alex or Jared.

Ok, I didn't start watching this until midnight because sometimes I have a life outside of kid nation, but I'll post more tomorrow.

Jauntiest Cap Award....

....goes to Markelle.  See below. 

 

 

This kid has, time and time again, proven himself worthy of this highly prestigious award.  See also

 

 

He even wears ski hats with pizazz:

 

 

Finally, we all know some people are born talented and others have to work at it.  It seems jauntiness is in Markelle's genes.  Check out this family picture:

 

 

Shout out to Julie for first noticing Markelle's jaunty cap.

Some Comments About the Letters

Jared's 4 yo sister wrote him a really long letter. 4 YEARS OLD! This should surprise no one. If you're going to memorize Shakespeare at age 9, you'd better start reading at 2. I hadn't even heard of Shakespeare until middle school.

Olivia's letter was TYPED. Can we really blame her for her lack of compassion? Who types a letter to their kid, especially when they sent that kid to ye olde child labor ghost town?

Why do these kids care what their dogs/baby brothers/parents are up to? When I went to camp, I totally cared more about WRITING letters, mainly to tell stories (kids are self-centered) and to complain. It's not a coincidence that the kids are only allowed to talk to their parents immediately after getting a check for $20k; obviously you'd be less likely to complain the minute after that happens. Imagine if they could write at any time? How would you, as a hypothetical parent, react to the following news:

Hi Mom and Dad. I opened up a store. Some kid pushed over my store. Then I burned my face with oil. - Divad

Hi, I wished someone happy birthday and the bigger kids yelled at me. Also, one kid called me a girl. - Pharoah

Namaste. Olivia is going to kill me. I'm afraid. Send help. - Anjay

Shalom! I just got deposed. - Zach

I was sexually harassed on the street. - Natasha

Hey y'all. They make me do dishes. - Taylor

p.s. Look at Kelsey in that picture. She is the only one who didn't get covered in pie. LEAST FAVORITE. Woah, I just noticed that her letter is typed too. What is wrong with these parents??

I'm Still Mad About The Ponies

Do you guys realize how much better the rest of the episodes would be if they had chosen the ponies? Colton obvs would teach kids how to lasso them. Pony rides. Pony races. Pony dress-up. Maybe one of the ponies is a wild mustang pony and Emily could tame it. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES. I am seriously upset about this.

Why are there only 60 minutes in an hour?

There just is never enough time for all the goodness KN has to offer.  As such, the deleted scenes are a MUST.  Check out this week's gold star nominations:

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/video.php?mode=episodes&episode=10&showid=170441&autostart=1   At the end of the episode on Wednesday, one of the Councilmen said, "We thought hard about giving it to nobody!"  And I thought, wow, what a dick move that would have been!  But then, after seeing this clip, a bunch of people actually suggested that nobody get it (notably, Campbell and Olivia, among others).  Have the kids of KN lost their shiny gold-star worthiness? 

 

You know I've never had a problem with Laurel.  She seems like a pretty good kid, notwithstanding her "12 going on 38"ness.  But did she really deserve the gold star?  No (and I say this with full knowledge that Colton voted for her).  It was a consolation prize.  But here is where Kid Nation meets Survivor--it was strategy.  She's clearly still got the Green District wrapped around her little finger and the Council needed to make peace with her, while Hunter gets slighted yet again. Maybe the boys on the Council have learned that you catch more flies with sugar than honey--aka--bribe Laurel as opposed to harassing the Town women. 

kid nation mockery

Right after I posted that, my dad asked me if I wanted pez. I assumed he was making fun of me for watching kid nation, but no, he really bought pez. I'd rather have a pony. Who still buys pez?

The green team all raising their hands in disapproval reminded me of when those guys did the black power salute in the olympics.

Oh where did those kids get parasols btw?

stupid phonographs

Do the pies have any significance? Even a fake significance? Also, did you notice how Blaine initially put television FIRST, meaning he thought it was invented before the radio, typewriter, telephone, etc.? That was my favorite part. Second favorite- Pharoah repeatedly messing up the "communication training." Also loved Greg, Blaine, and DK becoming the town sexual harrassers. Why no pioneer journal this week? I AM SO MAD THAT THE TOWN COUNCIL DIDN'T PICK THE PONIES. This is worse than the bible decision. Ha, did you notice how Hunter's letter from his approx. 6 year-old brother mentioned playing with guns. YES. Ok, I am still mad about the ponies. The show isn't even over yet, but I said I'd help my mom polish silver and my family is not supportive of my kid nation habit, apparently. Maybe will post more later. HAPPY THANKSGIVING KID NATION FANS.

Bonanza City Needs an Arbitrator

I'm not even half-way through this episode and this much is clear:  Bonanza City needs an arbitrator.  JAMS, AAA, whatever, these kids need help.  Keeping with the concept, they could pull in a child arbitrator.  I knew some nerdy but good "Peer Mediators" in middle school.  Maybe these are still around?  Also, maybe the arbitrator could bring some scissors because all the boys need haircuts. 

Facebook Flop?

Also, just as an FYI, I added the KN facebook app.  So far, I don't believe it does a SINGLE DAMN THING.  It let me pick a thumbnail pic (and I, of course, chose Alex (Colton wasn't a choice)) but then I see no evidence of this at all on my profile.  If any of you were considering adding it, it might not be worth the effort. 

Sign me up

I have bad news for you all (and for me).  The deadline for signing up to try-out for Kid Nation 2 was October 9.  Even though I probably would have aged out (I'm not expert, but I don't think I qualify for a kid), I'm still a little disappointed.  Becky and I would have been bad ass on that show!  As upset as I am about it, there are others out there who seemed to have wanted it more.  From the CBS message boards (you know I love them):

 

"Dude, I just anna be on Kid Nation, it's all that I really want.  Well, that and the iPod Touch." 

 

I'd probably rank my life goals in that order too. 

Another Reason to Drink

Jana pointed out that I incorrectly referred to the stones as bricks. I don't know why I did this, but it doesn't really matter. On to something more important...

Thank you to all our commenters! I know there are a lot of people who watch KN, but most seem to be the type of people who would post a thread on the cbs message board called "Greg's labeto" (seriously!) and that doesn't make me feel any better about my obsession. Your comments help ease the pain. And there is a lot of pain b/c even our friends make fun of us. But the best part about our commenters is that one of them created this masterpiece:

Kid Nation Drinking Game (by JD Beebe and friends)
drink when:
1. Taylor says something sassy and/or bitchy
2. Anytime Anjay gets demoralized, dehumanized or immasculated
3. Anytime Elmer Fudd (red head girl) says something with speech impediment
4. Anytime Mike goes fucking ballistic (and shows insecurities about lackluster real life)
5. every time we see a new kid
6. Every time crazy ass Jared does/says something nuts
7. Every time one tooth Alex says anything vastly beyond his years
8. DRINK TWICE- when they drink at the bar
9. Every time host has sad realization of his failed career
10. Every time they show a job not done
11. Every time you see a cold sore (limited to one drink per kid)
12. Every time the kids look like they're freezing their cocks off
13. Every time time they try to use what they interpret to be adult reasoning which is actually just fucking stupid logic
14. Every time time someone mentions mom
15. Every time there is sexual tension and/or possibly a boner
16. Every time the sick twisted hand of nature shits on Bonanza City

Thanks for sending this in. P.S. Jana, this means that anonymous commenters have posted more than you today, so get your act together.

Crunching the #s

These were the final numbers from the challenge:
Blue: 480 lbs.
Yellow: 460 lbs.
Green: 420 lbs.
Red: 485 lbs.

I have never worked as a bricklayer (I'm guessing Greg did for a year or two in between the butcher job and that sprinkler systems gig) but I'd guess that a brick weighs about 5 lbs. That means that just a few bricks separate each team. The red team probably had ONE BRICK more than the blue team. That is totally insignificant! Also, if the order went 420-460-480-485, then maybe you could make the argument that people were too concerned with their own position, but that clearly wasn't the case here. It's not like the rules said each team must carry 100 bricks and green strolled in with 50 to get first place! Newsflash: Green got third place. They obvs thought they had enough. Ok, I think I've taken this far enough. My point is that Guylan should have known that it generally isn't the best idea to call people out when they just hauled 50 mallories of bricks (well, more like 46) in exchange for 15 cents, a break from homeschooling, and infinite boredom. How can a city succeed if its leaders do not know such universal truths?

Sophia vs. Guylan

OK, maybe she shouldn't have said it, but she gave Guylan a genuine apology. These kids have bibles now so they should be all about forgiveness. Also, Guylan went on and on about the other teams not carrying enough rocks, but red really only had like 5-10 pounds more than the other teams (and still under 500, right?) so he was asking for it. Case closed.

Guylan is unsmart

Both halves of this episode had everyone hating on Guylan. The Sophia swearing incident was more dramatic, but I think I liked the first one better. To recap:

Everyone is a free agent and Guylan has a chance to make a beneficial trade. And he chooses Nathan, arguably the weirdest kid in BCity. Guylan's reasoning: Nathan is intelligent and strong.

The red team is PISSED, especially Markelle (later seen wearing a "hi my name is trouble" t-shirt and his signature jaunty cap) and Jared. Jared points out that Nathan sings in his sleep. Not a positive attribute when you are sleeping on the floor of a bunkhouse and have to wake up at 5am for a day of manual labor.

Does Guylan say anything to inspire his team and get them to rally around their new member (like Anjay successfully did for the blue team with Emilie)? NO! Right in front of Nathan, Guylan says, "I know you guys hate him." That was mean, which is why I don't feel bad making fun of a 10 year old on my blog (Guylan deserves it--- sorry anonymous). Ok where was I...oh yes, then Jared menacingly waved around that lollypop pimp cane (see photo) and gave Guylan one piece of advice- "lock your cell door tonight." Amazing.

The other great part of this scene was Mike (who got waaay better in this episode) saying "all he does is haul water.....just stating the facts." Then ALEX got into the mix. "I don't like Guylan. He's totally unsmart." If Alex thinks it, then you KNOW it's the truth.

I didn't pay much attention after this scene because my friend came over and he has NEVER SEEN KID NATION and I kept feeling the need to point out Alex and Jared anytime they appeared in the background. Also, have you guys noticed that it's getting increasingly necessary to rewind to be able to actually hear what these kids are saying. Next week's reward should be a speech therapist.

The red team is dusty

New clues for my ongoing diagnosis of Nathan

- cleaned every jar in the store
- freaked out about changing teams mainly because blue is his favorite color, not red
- allergic to dustmites
- Guylan thinks he is intelligent and strong
- sings in his sleep
- hates change (quote: "I hate change")
- wears shorts when everyone else is in parkas (also- crocs)

(this list is mainly for my benefit. I am really trying to figure this out.)

COULD THEY BE ANY MORE WRONG?!?!?

Quotes from tonight that prompt me to wonder if these kids had frontier-microwaved cocoa for breakfast or crack: 

 

Emilie:  "Nobody's the coolest kid here.  We're all equal." (See my post about lies parents tell their nerdy/wimpy kids) Also notable, her later quote:  "Trust me, I'll pick up my game."

 

Michael:  "Does anyone else think the gold star will significantly increase their sex appeal?" (shudder)

 

Guylan:  "I wear my bandana in a really cool way."  (Okay--I made this one up)

 

Zach:  "The Yellow District.  They're just a bunch of girls.  Including Colton..." (WATCH IT)

 

Greg:  "Laurel didn't trade any of her teammembers.  She has THE strongest team!"  (Ummm...didn't they lose approx EVERY showdown until the last one?)

 

Nathan:  "The red boys' bunk is kind of dusty."  (Ummm...you are in the middle of the desert.)

 

Shout-outs: 

1.  Alex's mini-breakdown.  When Alex gets pissed you know something is wrong. 

2.  Jared's emotional jail cell scene (note the pimp cane reappearance).

3.  Loved it every time Mike owned Guylan. 

 

Fashionable Kid Nation Parent Alert

Of course I am talking about Kennedy's mom. Pink cardigan, pink hair bow (in the classic Minnie Mouse style) and pearls. Also, her phone has some kind of hanging decorative charm that I think is a cross. Her adornments make me want to move to the south.

Oh and since they are going to mix up the teams anyway, here is what I think they should look like:

UPPER CLASS: Greg, Blaine, Sophia, Michael, Alex, Jared, DK, Laurel, Campbell, Pharoah.
MERCHANTS: Kennedy, Divad, Savannah, Mallory, Hunter, Leila, Migle, Markelle, Morgan, Natasha
COOKS: Colton, Brett, Emilie, Eric, Gianna, Jasmine, Madison, Maggie, Randi, Sophie
LOWER CLASS: Zach, Olivia, Kelsey, Mike, Anjay, Nathan, Guylan, Taylor

Not Feeling Creative, So....

...I'm going to reference something not of my own originality. The CBS message board for Kid Nation is amazing. Check out this link:

http://boards.cbs.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=300&nav=messages&webtag=cbskidmb&tid=3

In this one thread alone I detected the following:

1. Someone (prob a child molester) trying to pick up someone (prob a child). ("Hey, it was really interesting to read your bio. I love this show to. Maybe we can talk more together about different things becasue you seem like a very interesting person.. read my bio, just so you know i'm not crazy or anything like that!!!" in response to "I'm hoping this show will last for several, several season. I want to be watching new episodes when I'm 100 years old! Go Kid Nation! I'm addicted to the show!") CALL THE FEDS!

2. Insightful social criticism. ("I don't like the idea that the upperclass gets payed more than everyone else on the show but everyone else is doing more work")

3. Creatively-spelled insults aimed at apparently no one in particular. ("LIER LIER LIER THE SHOW IS KICK BUTT!!!")

4. And so much more. Check it out! (Or I may call you a LIER for no reason!)

Living the Poor

Hi Kelsey, where do you like to go on vacation?
When it's the summer time, I love kicking off my shoes and relax at the beach.

Oh, and where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I see myself as a girl ready to graduate from the college of UPenn Wharton School, ready to lead a successful life, and get a loving and caring family.

Loving and caring families are expensive- how will you buy one?
I want to become a financial advisor at Wall Street, earning a lot of money.

I see you value money.
If I could switch places with one person, it would be a poor girl or boy around my age because I would love to see them finally live a good life full of advantages, while I would be living the poor.

Ok, one last question, what is your favorite movie?
Barbershop

Don't Laugh At Her

The positive reception to Olivia's stand-up routine is evidence of the fact that kids will laugh at anything. My sister teaches second grade and she tells me this ALL THE TIME. Now I believe her.

Side note: I have a new entry for my "a man needs..." tally. This week, Campbell told us that "without sugar, you couldn't live". This totally counts. I try and listen for these pronouncements re: BCity necessities, but if anyone heard any others, PLEASE let me know. Sometimes I am too distracted by Alex jumping up and down or something.

Reason #47 Why There Should Be A Kid Nation DVD (With Deleted Scenes)

According to this photo, Mike sang in the talent show. Jana also tells me that Nathan sang Greensleeves. Why did CBS deny the television audience these talents? I don't think it's because the editors didn't want to show kids who performed badly (b/c mini Billy Joel was definitely not good) so what is with this censorship? Oh, the reason I care is that I need more evidence to properly determine just what Nathan's deal is. Greensleeves probably means it is less-likely that he has OCD and more likely that it is just a case of homeschoolitis. Why does CBS deny me the ability to make a proper diagnosis??

update: I just realized that Jana meant that there is actual video of Nathan singing on the CBS website. And of all the kids. I am definitely going to watch all of these at some point and I am seriously upset that I have a lot of work to do.

SOPHIA IS THE BEST

Jana is insane. The other half of this blog (ie, ME!!!) supports Sophia. Sure, she is going a little loopy from being stuck in BCity with a bunch of 8 year olds, some biscuits, and a lot of rats, but it is still undeniable that she is awesome. She doesn't fall for the producers' stupid stunts like the religious fervor (p.s. Laurel sang amazing grace a few weeks too late to participate in the Holy Wars) or the excitement about the lamer prizes or basically most of the manipulative tactics these producers use. As one of the older kids, she already kind of has her adult personality, and it's not that bad. I do think she reminds me of some of the people we went to school with, who take everything in life a little too seriously (Mer and I came up with specific names. I'll email you) but whatever, I still like her. Sophia for the win. Back me up here people!

Dancing Machine

My posts have been a little negative lately.  From now on I focus on the positive things about BC--which are plentiful.  I've always expected great things from Campbell (see my 10/18 post).  Well, last night he started to deliver!  Not only did he chew gum like he was being paid buffalo nickels for it (which in a way, I guess he was), but he did it with pizzazz!  He danced all around while chewing and the boy's got moves!  I wish there was a clip of this, but I can't find one. :( 

Poser-Alert

Something's been bugging me for a while.  Sophia has you all brainwashed into thinking she is awesome.  Well, I've got news for you:  SOPHIA IS A POSER.  She wants people to think she is unique and all hippy-reincarnate, but she tries too hard.  And before I continue, let me say to you, anonymous, I'm sure she's a perfectly good kid, intelligent, ballsy, blah blah blah.  But she is a poser.  Oh, let me lay down in the street and pretend I'm dying of boredom (see below), but when everyone else starts doing it, I'm out of here, peace.  I know another way to get her out of the street--give Colton a couple of root beers and hand him a cart. 

I also think is was slightly evil to:  (i) Attempt to dash Morgan's conception of God a few episodes back and (ii) continually say she disapproved of the job the council was doing when she really only disapproved of Taylor.  All in all, I think she let that gold star go straight to her head.  Poser. 

Jared Appreciation Day

I really don't blame the editors for including Jared as part of every subplot in this episode. Best kid!

Jared Highlights
- The matter-of-fact way in which he said "You know what, I wasn't the worst"
- He explained the cause of the dark ages
- Henry V!
- This quote re: GregandBlaine in dresses: "It takes a lot of talent to get up on stage and not show your fruit of the looms"
- The lollypop pimp cane's reappearance (and the vest!)
- The clip of him saying he was mad they didn't get the reward (this is a highlight b/c of the fact that they chose to show him here, even though he didn't say anything particularly hilarious, even though he was already in this episode 10x).

BONUS: Alex Highlights
- Talking about BCity's Paris and Nicole, and saying he didn't know what that means!
- The 18 random shots of him in a crowd (they showed him constantly!)
- His sunglasses
- His pep talk to Savannah and how he told her she is a contribution to Bonanza City. Cutest kid.

OK, fine, here are some other non Jared/Alex highlights
- Markelle's jaunty cap
- Kentucky Dinner (roadkill?)
- Colton's new mowhawk
- Campbell's bird calls (dedicated to his bird!!)

Also, did you guys notice how the producers used quarters instead of buffalo nickels in the gum ball challenge? Was this to make sure that no one pocketed a buffalo nickel?? First the padlocked ballot boxes and now this. NO TRUST!

Lax in my Duties

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I'm sorry. As you are all aware, I am serious legal professional and sometimes that takes up my time.  However, I recently evaluated my priorities and decided the blogging is one of them.  Expect more from me in the future.

 

In the meantime, I was SHOCKED to discover that some people outside our common facebook friends read this (see comments to my scathing review of Guylan).  While I stand by my opinions, I would like to add the following to my critique of the Town Councilmember:  Yes, anonymous, you are correct that at least he has the guts to go on the show. 

 

Note:  This blog is for entertainment purposes.  And it is entertaining.  If you don't like our opinions (in the words of Taylor)  DEAL WITH IT. 

Someone made a kid nation drinking game!!!

I am always really glad to see that we are not the only 4 normal adults who appreciate the brilliance of this show. The Kid Nation Drinking Game gives me faith in humanity.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/11/kid_nation_the_drinking_game

Those kids really are always mentioning George Bush! Sophia is always telling it like it is! And I think there are at least 15 kids who haven't spoken yet.

Anyway, we totally have to do this. I think we need to add in something about Pharoah to get Julie to participate. Also, I am going to drink anytime the following things happen:

- Greg shows his softer side (like by wearing a dress!)
- Mike adds 14 extra syllables to a word
- Kelsey fails to correctly conjugate a verb
- Nathan exhibits signs of OCD
- Any kid wears his/her bandana in a way we haven't seen before (hopefully Guylan will come through on this one)
- Kelsey tries to be someone else's sidekick (she has already tried and failed with Taylor and Divad)

Mo Money, Mo Problems

So, the contrived theme of this week's episode was money. The town council found a treasure chest, aka "$18.50 worth of greed." Knowing that the kids would just "blow it all on stupid things," the TC decided to buy necessities, like a guitar and some kites. Um, ok.

I want a goose to lay golden eggs for Easter....
Two things about the showdown: the red team needs to stop making serious tactical errors and the host doesn't know the definition of money laundering. Poor guy is probs developmentally disabled and getting paid $2 a day to host this shit. That's FORTY NICKELS.

Side note: why can't Kelsey conjugate verbs or tell the difference b/w nouns and verbs or do whatever it is she can't do? This week's quote: "He was trying to competing." Maybe instead of spending all her time trying desperately to be someone's sidekick, she should read a book. I think I know where she can find a bible. Or maybe she can read something else, because we all know she doesn't know a lot about Muslim or Jewish.

The Bill Gates of Bonanza City

Finally someone formed a legitimate business. Previous entrepreneurial schemes, such as Sophia's street dancing, Mallory's doll sitting, and The Kind Potato Girl's reselling of free food were not impressive. But HOLY BANANA BREAD, selling necklaces was an awesome idea. Jared walking around with his new duds and lollypop pimp cane was the best part of this episode. Well, that and all the crazy shit he said, such as "there's a bonfire in my pocket and it's burning to be spent." Jared never disappoints. Did y'all catch him flashing the peace sign?

Also, shoutout to Alex for continuing to be the cutest kid. That clip of him screaming was beyond adorable. So what if his logic is a little wacky--- that kid rules.

Reasons Guylan is the Worst

I doubt there are many among you, avid readers, that were swayed by Becky's recent post in defense of Guylan, but just in case....

 

REASONS GUYLAN IS THE WORST: 

 

10.  BAD ANALOGIES.  "Power is very difficult to handle. Power is like holding a cobra, one wrong move and it bites. However, if handled with care it can be a great asset and experience."  Since when has holding a cobra ever been considered a great asset? The cobra itself is the asset, sure, and holding it might be a good experience, but that was just shitty phrasing.   

 

9.  RED SCARE.  "Fidel Castro is a world leader that I admire"

 

8.  WEIRD.  "Do you have a favorite drink? Anything that sparkles."  Sparkles?  Like sparkling apple cider?  You're 11 so that is pretty much the limit. 

 

7.  NERD.  "Who are your best friends? Zach is a very good friend of mine. He and I play very complicated games that can take days."  Like D&D? Magic the Gathering?

 

6.  WIMP.  "What would people be surprised to learn about you? I think that a lot of people would be surprised to learn that after being raised by two elephant trainers that I'm afraid of little spiders. Tarantulas don't bother me but little wolf spiders and daddy long-legs creep me out. However I don't go around killing them for no reason. Instead I run away screaming like a little girl."  No, really? 

 

5.  I'm sure there are a million more but I'm out of time, being the serious legal professional that I am, so I'll just skip to....

 

The Number One reason Guylan is the worst:  THAT STUPID WAY HE WEARS HIS BANDANA (see a few posts below). 

 

Weak Links

Obviously GregAndBlaine are a force to be reckoned with. And some nerd challenges let the nerds shine. But what I don't get is why the kids are so bad at recognizing their weak links and not letting them mess everything up. In this week's challenge, the red team sent Emily as their first person to look for the cans. WHY? She is obvs not going to be that good at it. Maybe she told them that she also tames wild pigs? So yeah, these kids are never going to build a town if they keep making such poor choices.

1880s technology

What is the point of that over-the-neck water carrier contraption that looks like a guillotine? It still only holds two normal buckets, the same that two hands could hold, and it ends up causing way more spills. Inefficient. They use it every episode. This picture is from two weeks ago, but I definitely spotted it last night.

This is almost as bad as the "frontier microwave" (which has never been shown since that fateful decision) or the old-tyme phone used to spread the news that 1-6 children can now go to college. I thought the journal was my least favorite thing, but now I have decided that I hate that ridiculous phone even more.

Crying Nation

Wasn't it sweet that everyone cried when DK said he was leaving, even cold-hearted Olivia who then had to console her child (Mallory). Other criers included Taylor, 2 kids I have never seen before, Leila (what else is new! she cries approx. 8 times an episode) and yeah basically everyone (except Colton probably).

Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #6: That fauhawk kid splayed across the barrel after a freak soda fight accident.

Point/Counterpoint: A Defense of Guylan

He is not awful, he is just weird in a home schooled way. Also, he lived on a zoo! That has to mess you up. His only friends were zebras and tiger cubs-- cut him some slack. He is not used to being around kids, so he didn't know that it is ok to not be great at digging a ditch when you are 11.

I totally agree with you about Anjay though. In fact, here is a list of ways Anjay embarrassed himself in this episode:
- Getting called out by Sophia for letting the girls do all the work
- Lame fight with Taylor. Someone arrest him for false imprisonment and/or teach him how to fight.
- The quote about his bones, obviously.
- He always looked like he was about to throw up

My parents say I look good in braces!

Last night reminded me of all those kids in elementary school who were naive enough to believe their parents' lies, told to soften the often biting harshness of reality.  Example:  Anjay was sucking it up at the challenge.  His team members are visibly pissed.  Off-screen he explains:  "I'm not very good at physical activity.  I haven't built much muscle because my bones are still forming!" Obviously something Mom said when he cried for repeatedly getting picked last for any sports team.  I'm sure my boy Colton's bones are still forming (it's doubtful he'll be 4'8" the rest of his life) but he was in there grabbing cans like it was nobody's business.

 

Also, shout out to Alex for taking pride in where his strengths lie instead of making flimsy excuses.  "I never give up, though," he explained.  But then he lost some credibility in my book when he followed it up with, "unless it's beyond hope."  So he never gives up unless he thinks he should give up. 

 

Additionally--did anyone else think Greg was going to break his neck diving into the bean tank head-first?  You're not supposed to do that in 4 feet of water, let alone 4 INCHES. 

 

For the record, I would like to state that Guylan is awful.  The worst part about him is that he does not know he is awful. 

A Choice Between Mother Earth and Fossil Fuels

Upon unveiling a shed containing approximately 18 items, the host said it was "every fruit and vegetable imaginable." Um, what? The other day I bought pluots and kiwi berries (tiny tiny kiwis that you can eat without peeling) and I didn't see those. I didn't even see regular plums or apricots (although kiwis did play a prominent role in the dramatic fruit salad scene). The best parts of the Kid Nation Fruit/Veg Frenzy are as follows:

5) guylan eating corn (uncooked???)
4) some kid gnawing on a cucumber
3) the fact that someone chose a carrot instead of something better (ie, anything but a carrot)
2) the producers' decision to include artichokes as one of the 18 items. like kids know how to cook those.
1) someone off camera yelling "I GOT A PEAR!!!!!!!!"

BCity Necessities

I watched a random video on the KN website (falsely advertised as a preview of next week's episode) and it turns out that Cody wanted to leave because he missed his wheelchair-bound brother. That is a much more compelling story than his serious long-term girlfriend. Why didn't it make the cut?

Also, I am going to keep a running tally of anytime a kid says "A man needs ___." So far, we have learned that A Man Needs Root Beer (Cody--episode 3) and that A Man Needs Meat (some kid--- episode 5). By process of elimination, we have learned that men/women/kids whose parents hate them enough to send them to Kid Nation do not need toothbrushes, basic first aid, mattresses, pizza, miniature golf, and political barbecues. I am seriously going to keep track of this.

To Grill Or To Wear A Grill

Wait, so you're telling me that these kids weren't allowed to bring toothbrushes with them for this 40 day TV summer camp experiment? That is absurd. Pioneers should value dental hygiene.

Also, what was up with the PADLOCKED ballot boxes? If we can't trust these kids not to engage in voter fraud, how can we expect them to build a successful town? The host was standing right there--- what could they even do? This bothered me.

- Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #5: Markelle pogo sticking on Taylor's poster

Additionally...

Also, I don't know much about this guy (below) but I think I'm about to like him.  It looks like he's got something up his sleeve.

 

Last Night Redux

Taylor is out of power, as we all suspected she would be, but at least she took it like a man.  What is with Mike crying in front of everyone?  True, he did get the shaft a bit because Guylan's best quality is his ability to maintain a straight face when he wears his bandana in that lame way (see below).  More later, but I'll leave you with my biggest lament about last night:  Why didn't Jared run? 

 

Can't We All Just Get Along

I loved this scene! 4 kids were in the midst of a holy war with Taylor's sidekick caught in the middle. They kept yelling "Jew Crew" and "No, Christian is better" and she just rolled her eyes and glared at them. She is my new favorite kid.

I hate hate hate the pioneer journal. Causing so much trouble yet again. Instead of guilt-tripping them into going to bed early and praying, the journal should tell them that the pioneers in the 1880s would've been able to make the town succeed if only neosporin and chapstick had been invented. These kids are looking rough. Are they all just copying trend setter Greg? Hopefully they are all secretly Christian Scientists and will start healing now that they have sacred religious texts.

Cody's serious long-term girlfriend better not dump him now that he left Bonanza City for her. No, I am sure they will last. And Anjay will perform a Hindu ceremony at their wedding.

Are those jackets they wore during the challenge new? Did the producers finally wise up to the realities of frostbite and decide to properly clothe these kids? That is not the pioneer way!

- Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #4: Jared meditating.

Repost of Picture

Here's the picture again.  For some reason it got cut off on my last post.  I'd just go in and edit but I don't have a ton of blog-editing skills and can only post by email.  My skills obv lie elsewhere, like in the serious legal professional business.

Angry Villagers

After this week's episode, I thought it only fitting to include this picture of angry villagers.  The one in front is Greg because he looks the meanest.  The one in grey is Alex (I know--he's not an angry dude and is probably the least likely citizen of BCity to storm anything but the tooth is almost dead on).  The last guy is probably Colton with a pencilled on moustache.  Notice how their hands are appropriately shaped to hold a bottle of rootbeer and/or shot of vanilla syrup.  

 

So it's pretty clear by now that people are pissed in the "long lost ghost town".  Angry about the leadership (or lack thereof?), angry about not getting pizza last week, angry that the TMNT movie got cancelled, whatever.  But why are they angry all of the sudden?  Or is this just the very clever, absolutely-not-transparent forshadowing of CBS for next week's impeachment episode?

 

Side note:  Sophia is starting to annoy me.  Can we strip someone of their gold star? 

bonanza withdrawl

I am on a plane. Sending good thoughts to the Jew crew. Cannot wait to watch this shit.

Commemorative Buffalo Nickels

Why? To commemorate key events in Bonanza City history.
How Often Will These Coins Be Issued? Once a week.
What All-Powerful Body Will Choose The Images? Me.
What Will Be On These Coins?
- Buffalo Nickel #1 will contain several images of children crying. This is because everyone cried in week one.
- Buffalo Nickel #2 will celebrate the first act of civil disobedience in Bonanza City by depicting Emilie and those other girls locking themselves in the chicken coop.  Remember, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 
- For Buffalo Nickel #3, I had to go with the image of Mike(??) drinking out of a bottle and triumphantly holding up his other arm/pointing one finger in the air.  I am too lazy to find a picture of this and too embarrassed to post the picture I took Friday night of me imitating it.  This was a tough decision so I'm thinking about also issuing a limited edition commemorative haypenny showing Chef Colton running around spilling flour everywhere.

Also, if you pre-order the whole collection, you will get your very own pioneer journal to store them in.  $19.95 plus s/h.

Sidekicks

Three weeks into the show and we see some clear social order shaking itself out.  This post is dedicated to the sidekicks.  You don't hear much from/about these kids themselves, but they play a vital role in boosting the egos of those who need it the least.  In this case, the arrogant are Taylor and Greg.  Their support staff? 

 

Sidekick #1:  Leila

Most-often seen:  Giggling and avoiding work with Taylor

Glam-shot: 

What she really looks like:

Highlights from her bio:

What would people be surprised to learn about you?

People would be very surprised that I was on "Kid Nation".  (Not really--they are reading that on your Kid Nation bio, so that cat's pretty much out of the bag.)

 

What have you learned about power:  I have learned that if you are not a good leader, people will not like you.  (Thanks for the lesson, Beauty Queen T.)

 

Sidekick #2:  Blaine

Glam-shot: 

Most often seen:  Doing rootbeer/vanilla car bombs and giggling with Greg.

He really looks like this: 

Highlights from his bio:

What is your favorite quote?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13. (Did NOT see the religious reference coming from this guy.)

 

What world leader do you admire?

God.  (And he gets me with it again.  Forshadowing for next week?  I predict GOD SQUAD for Blaine.  What will Greg say?) 

 

It's not like it has done that much for Panama

Where to even begin with Taylor? Her attempts to starve the other kids? Her crush on Greg (she votes for him EVERY week)? Her thoughts on bossiness/George Bush? No, we need to start with her answer to the question: "Who have been some of the worst U.S. presidents, and why?" because part of that answer was:

Bill Clinton because he lowered the country's moral. Jimmy Carter because he gave away the Panama Canal.

THE PANAMA CANAL!!!! Didn't America stop caring about the Panama Canal after we no longer needed it as a shortcut for ships going to California for the Gold Rush? I have NEVER heard Canalgate '77 mentioned as a major event and I took at least 2 history classes in college. I hate Jimmy Carter as much as anyone, but that's based on rational reasons like his alleged antisemitism and my hatred of humanitarianism.

What about Hoover? What about the Teapot Dome guy? Andrew Jackson and the trail of tears? W?? Didn't every president in the like 20 years before the Civil war kind of suck? Wasn't one named Taylor?? The only thing William Henry Harrison did as President was die; surely that's worse than giving away a crap canal.

Let it go, Taylor. There are other canals for you to enjoy here in America. Right in your home state of Georgia you have the Augusta Canal, the Brunswick Altamaha, and the Savannah Ogeechee (among others). Time to move on. Let Panama have this one and leave Jimmy Carter alone.

Holy Wars

So excited to see next week's episode. I think that the level of religious sensitivity will be roughly equivalent to that Diversity Day episode of The Office. Go Jew Crew!

A Rough Diamond in the Rough

My new favorite kid on Kid's Nation is without a doubt Colton.  Check out his bio: 

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/bios/colton/

 

Reasons I Love Colton:

 

1.  He doesn't give a shit.  While most of the greedy little grubbers are out there trying to get that gold star, he is out there to be a kid.  He filled his jacket with flour and ran around letting it fly out the sleeves (I wish there was a youtube on this but there isn't).  Brilliant. But it's not like he tries to be naughty.  I think it just comes naturally to him.  Also check out his bio above.  Most kids did 4 different surveys on a bunch of topics.  Colton does one.

 

2.  He's focused.  This rough and tumble kid answered 12 questions for his bio.  8 of his answers had to do with football (if you count PE as football related, which I do) and the other four he probably couldn't work football into (ex.  "What are your political views?").  He wants to be a football player and it is all-consuming.  How often do you see that kind of determination in an 11 year old?  PS I also like that he is the only one who doesn't want to be an engineer or biochemist or world leader, or something equally boring for a little kid to want to be. 

 

3.  He gets stuff done.  How many Yellow Team kids caught a sheep?  ONE.  Colton caught all three sheep.  Taylor and her posse better start sucking up to him---I'm thinking he's going to be a power player later (decided lack of a gold star notwithstanding).

 

4.  There are about a million more reasons but I have to work now. 

 

 

If global warming is real, then why is it so cold in B-city?

This is the first post (of many) in which I spend way too much time reading the kids' surveys on cbs.com and reporting back the good stuff. Thanks Jana for telling me about these gems.

Today's topic: "global warming- fact or myth?"

Mallory thinks global warming is a myth. "God's in charge of our environment." Golden star!! Wait a minute, Olivia says global warming is real, "but it isn't huge". Olivia for the win. Whatever, those same parents will be getting a call either way. Also, I am shocked that her dad mentioned a school bus because I would've bet a year's merchant class salary that those kids were homeschooled.

I hate Alex for being 9 and knowing more about the Kyoto Treaty than I do. Also, Eric can quote Al Gore's movie in its entirety, but he's 14 so I'm not as impressed.

My next post will be about Jonbenet. I mean Taylor.

The Lawlessness of Bonanza City

So, it seems the producers of this amazing show are under attack for alleged child labor law violations.  http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/kid_nation/2007_Aug_24_investigation_contract   While this claim brings back fond memories of Full House requiring a set of twins to play Michelle and not so fond memories of 7th Heaven letting both twins have roles (bad move, 7th Heaven), it offends me, in this case both personally and professionally.  As a lover of the show, I'm of course irrate at anyone who attacks it.  As a serious legal professional, I know that the bigger claim for child labor law violations should be slapped against whoever is responsible for spawning Greg.  With all this kid's experience, he must be holding down at least three full-time jobs outside of his budding reality TV career (I count PVC pipe layer, butcher, and shepard so far, based on his claims to date and we're only in Week 3).  So, New Mexico authorities, I deplore you to go after Father/Mother of Greg and leave the best hour of my week alone. 

 

Or if you're really looking for someone to nail, why not try Emilie's parents for violations of child labor laws?  They let her break wild stallions. 

a man needs his root beer

I guess if you leave 40 39 kids alone in the desert with access to a saloon, you'd better expect soda chugging contests and root beer car bombs. Especially when one of those 39 kids is Greg. Not that I blame him. If I worked as a butcher at the age of 14, I'd be hitting the root beer pretty hard too. The over 21 drinking age law should have an exception: if you know how to lay a sprinkler system AND can butcher a cow-- you get to drink. We will call it Greg's Law. But the driving age will stand at 16. The pioneer handbook has no tolerance for fake drunk driving.

My other favorite kid in this scene was Sophia. She chugged that soda like a champ. I bet that if they played root beer pong, Sophia would dominate. Greg's ski hat would obscure his vision, causing him to lose, and then he'd complain about other people violating some ridiculous rule that only he has heard of. Now that I think about it, I'm actually surprised they didn't bust out some drinking games. They could've played quarters pennies (love the cost of living in that town. 25 cents for a purse--sign me up!!). Maybe they did and it got edited out.

Love Laurel, but she is the girl at a party who is like "I LOVE YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!" and all her friends are like "not again". At least she was a part of the debauchery (excellent form on her root beer bomb).

More to come later since we are serious legal professionals and kinda busy.