The Bill Gates of Bonanza City

Finally someone formed a legitimate business. Previous entrepreneurial schemes, such as Sophia's street dancing, Mallory's doll sitting, and The Kind Potato Girl's reselling of free food were not impressive. But HOLY BANANA BREAD, selling necklaces was an awesome idea. Jared walking around with his new duds and lollypop pimp cane was the best part of this episode. Well, that and all the crazy shit he said, such as "there's a bonfire in my pocket and it's burning to be spent." Jared never disappoints. Did y'all catch him flashing the peace sign?

Also, shoutout to Alex for continuing to be the cutest kid. That clip of him screaming was beyond adorable. So what if his logic is a little wacky--- that kid rules.

Reasons Guylan is the Worst

I doubt there are many among you, avid readers, that were swayed by Becky's recent post in defense of Guylan, but just in case....

 

REASONS GUYLAN IS THE WORST: 

 

10.  BAD ANALOGIES.  "Power is very difficult to handle. Power is like holding a cobra, one wrong move and it bites. However, if handled with care it can be a great asset and experience."  Since when has holding a cobra ever been considered a great asset? The cobra itself is the asset, sure, and holding it might be a good experience, but that was just shitty phrasing.   

 

9.  RED SCARE.  "Fidel Castro is a world leader that I admire"

 

8.  WEIRD.  "Do you have a favorite drink? Anything that sparkles."  Sparkles?  Like sparkling apple cider?  You're 11 so that is pretty much the limit. 

 

7.  NERD.  "Who are your best friends? Zach is a very good friend of mine. He and I play very complicated games that can take days."  Like D&D? Magic the Gathering?

 

6.  WIMP.  "What would people be surprised to learn about you? I think that a lot of people would be surprised to learn that after being raised by two elephant trainers that I'm afraid of little spiders. Tarantulas don't bother me but little wolf spiders and daddy long-legs creep me out. However I don't go around killing them for no reason. Instead I run away screaming like a little girl."  No, really? 

 

5.  I'm sure there are a million more but I'm out of time, being the serious legal professional that I am, so I'll just skip to....

 

The Number One reason Guylan is the worst:  THAT STUPID WAY HE WEARS HIS BANDANA (see a few posts below). 

 

Weak Links

Obviously GregAndBlaine are a force to be reckoned with. And some nerd challenges let the nerds shine. But what I don't get is why the kids are so bad at recognizing their weak links and not letting them mess everything up. In this week's challenge, the red team sent Emily as their first person to look for the cans. WHY? She is obvs not going to be that good at it. Maybe she told them that she also tames wild pigs? So yeah, these kids are never going to build a town if they keep making such poor choices.

1880s technology

What is the point of that over-the-neck water carrier contraption that looks like a guillotine? It still only holds two normal buckets, the same that two hands could hold, and it ends up causing way more spills. Inefficient. They use it every episode. This picture is from two weeks ago, but I definitely spotted it last night.

This is almost as bad as the "frontier microwave" (which has never been shown since that fateful decision) or the old-tyme phone used to spread the news that 1-6 children can now go to college. I thought the journal was my least favorite thing, but now I have decided that I hate that ridiculous phone even more.

Crying Nation

Wasn't it sweet that everyone cried when DK said he was leaving, even cold-hearted Olivia who then had to console her child (Mallory). Other criers included Taylor, 2 kids I have never seen before, Leila (what else is new! she cries approx. 8 times an episode) and yeah basically everyone (except Colton probably).

Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #6: That fauhawk kid splayed across the barrel after a freak soda fight accident.

Point/Counterpoint: A Defense of Guylan

He is not awful, he is just weird in a home schooled way. Also, he lived on a zoo! That has to mess you up. His only friends were zebras and tiger cubs-- cut him some slack. He is not used to being around kids, so he didn't know that it is ok to not be great at digging a ditch when you are 11.

I totally agree with you about Anjay though. In fact, here is a list of ways Anjay embarrassed himself in this episode:
- Getting called out by Sophia for letting the girls do all the work
- Lame fight with Taylor. Someone arrest him for false imprisonment and/or teach him how to fight.
- The quote about his bones, obviously.
- He always looked like he was about to throw up

My parents say I look good in braces!

Last night reminded me of all those kids in elementary school who were naive enough to believe their parents' lies, told to soften the often biting harshness of reality.  Example:  Anjay was sucking it up at the challenge.  His team members are visibly pissed.  Off-screen he explains:  "I'm not very good at physical activity.  I haven't built much muscle because my bones are still forming!" Obviously something Mom said when he cried for repeatedly getting picked last for any sports team.  I'm sure my boy Colton's bones are still forming (it's doubtful he'll be 4'8" the rest of his life) but he was in there grabbing cans like it was nobody's business.

 

Also, shout out to Alex for taking pride in where his strengths lie instead of making flimsy excuses.  "I never give up, though," he explained.  But then he lost some credibility in my book when he followed it up with, "unless it's beyond hope."  So he never gives up unless he thinks he should give up. 

 

Additionally--did anyone else think Greg was going to break his neck diving into the bean tank head-first?  You're not supposed to do that in 4 feet of water, let alone 4 INCHES. 

 

For the record, I would like to state that Guylan is awful.  The worst part about him is that he does not know he is awful. 

A Choice Between Mother Earth and Fossil Fuels

Upon unveiling a shed containing approximately 18 items, the host said it was "every fruit and vegetable imaginable." Um, what? The other day I bought pluots and kiwi berries (tiny tiny kiwis that you can eat without peeling) and I didn't see those. I didn't even see regular plums or apricots (although kiwis did play a prominent role in the dramatic fruit salad scene). The best parts of the Kid Nation Fruit/Veg Frenzy are as follows:

5) guylan eating corn (uncooked???)
4) some kid gnawing on a cucumber
3) the fact that someone chose a carrot instead of something better (ie, anything but a carrot)
2) the producers' decision to include artichokes as one of the 18 items. like kids know how to cook those.
1) someone off camera yelling "I GOT A PEAR!!!!!!!!"

BCity Necessities

I watched a random video on the KN website (falsely advertised as a preview of next week's episode) and it turns out that Cody wanted to leave because he missed his wheelchair-bound brother. That is a much more compelling story than his serious long-term girlfriend. Why didn't it make the cut?

Also, I am going to keep a running tally of anytime a kid says "A man needs ___." So far, we have learned that A Man Needs Root Beer (Cody--episode 3) and that A Man Needs Meat (some kid--- episode 5). By process of elimination, we have learned that men/women/kids whose parents hate them enough to send them to Kid Nation do not need toothbrushes, basic first aid, mattresses, pizza, miniature golf, and political barbecues. I am seriously going to keep track of this.

To Grill Or To Wear A Grill

Wait, so you're telling me that these kids weren't allowed to bring toothbrushes with them for this 40 day TV summer camp experiment? That is absurd. Pioneers should value dental hygiene.

Also, what was up with the PADLOCKED ballot boxes? If we can't trust these kids not to engage in voter fraud, how can we expect them to build a successful town? The host was standing right there--- what could they even do? This bothered me.

- Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #5: Markelle pogo sticking on Taylor's poster

Additionally...

Also, I don't know much about this guy (below) but I think I'm about to like him.  It looks like he's got something up his sleeve.

 

Last Night Redux

Taylor is out of power, as we all suspected she would be, but at least she took it like a man.  What is with Mike crying in front of everyone?  True, he did get the shaft a bit because Guylan's best quality is his ability to maintain a straight face when he wears his bandana in that lame way (see below).  More later, but I'll leave you with my biggest lament about last night:  Why didn't Jared run? 

 

Can't We All Just Get Along

I loved this scene! 4 kids were in the midst of a holy war with Taylor's sidekick caught in the middle. They kept yelling "Jew Crew" and "No, Christian is better" and she just rolled her eyes and glared at them. She is my new favorite kid.

I hate hate hate the pioneer journal. Causing so much trouble yet again. Instead of guilt-tripping them into going to bed early and praying, the journal should tell them that the pioneers in the 1880s would've been able to make the town succeed if only neosporin and chapstick had been invented. These kids are looking rough. Are they all just copying trend setter Greg? Hopefully they are all secretly Christian Scientists and will start healing now that they have sacred religious texts.

Cody's serious long-term girlfriend better not dump him now that he left Bonanza City for her. No, I am sure they will last. And Anjay will perform a Hindu ceremony at their wedding.

Are those jackets they wore during the challenge new? Did the producers finally wise up to the realities of frostbite and decide to properly clothe these kids? That is not the pioneer way!

- Commemorative Buffalo Nickel #4: Jared meditating.

Repost of Picture

Here's the picture again.  For some reason it got cut off on my last post.  I'd just go in and edit but I don't have a ton of blog-editing skills and can only post by email.  My skills obv lie elsewhere, like in the serious legal professional business.

Angry Villagers

After this week's episode, I thought it only fitting to include this picture of angry villagers.  The one in front is Greg because he looks the meanest.  The one in grey is Alex (I know--he's not an angry dude and is probably the least likely citizen of BCity to storm anything but the tooth is almost dead on).  The last guy is probably Colton with a pencilled on moustache.  Notice how their hands are appropriately shaped to hold a bottle of rootbeer and/or shot of vanilla syrup.  

 

So it's pretty clear by now that people are pissed in the "long lost ghost town".  Angry about the leadership (or lack thereof?), angry about not getting pizza last week, angry that the TMNT movie got cancelled, whatever.  But why are they angry all of the sudden?  Or is this just the very clever, absolutely-not-transparent forshadowing of CBS for next week's impeachment episode?

 

Side note:  Sophia is starting to annoy me.  Can we strip someone of their gold star? 

bonanza withdrawl

I am on a plane. Sending good thoughts to the Jew crew. Cannot wait to watch this shit.

Commemorative Buffalo Nickels

Why? To commemorate key events in Bonanza City history.
How Often Will These Coins Be Issued? Once a week.
What All-Powerful Body Will Choose The Images? Me.
What Will Be On These Coins?
- Buffalo Nickel #1 will contain several images of children crying. This is because everyone cried in week one.
- Buffalo Nickel #2 will celebrate the first act of civil disobedience in Bonanza City by depicting Emilie and those other girls locking themselves in the chicken coop.  Remember, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 
- For Buffalo Nickel #3, I had to go with the image of Mike(??) drinking out of a bottle and triumphantly holding up his other arm/pointing one finger in the air.  I am too lazy to find a picture of this and too embarrassed to post the picture I took Friday night of me imitating it.  This was a tough decision so I'm thinking about also issuing a limited edition commemorative haypenny showing Chef Colton running around spilling flour everywhere.

Also, if you pre-order the whole collection, you will get your very own pioneer journal to store them in.  $19.95 plus s/h.

Sidekicks

Three weeks into the show and we see some clear social order shaking itself out.  This post is dedicated to the sidekicks.  You don't hear much from/about these kids themselves, but they play a vital role in boosting the egos of those who need it the least.  In this case, the arrogant are Taylor and Greg.  Their support staff? 

 

Sidekick #1:  Leila

Most-often seen:  Giggling and avoiding work with Taylor

Glam-shot: 

What she really looks like:

Highlights from her bio:

What would people be surprised to learn about you?

People would be very surprised that I was on "Kid Nation".  (Not really--they are reading that on your Kid Nation bio, so that cat's pretty much out of the bag.)

 

What have you learned about power:  I have learned that if you are not a good leader, people will not like you.  (Thanks for the lesson, Beauty Queen T.)

 

Sidekick #2:  Blaine

Glam-shot: 

Most often seen:  Doing rootbeer/vanilla car bombs and giggling with Greg.

He really looks like this: 

Highlights from his bio:

What is your favorite quote?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13. (Did NOT see the religious reference coming from this guy.)

 

What world leader do you admire?

God.  (And he gets me with it again.  Forshadowing for next week?  I predict GOD SQUAD for Blaine.  What will Greg say?) 

 

It's not like it has done that much for Panama

Where to even begin with Taylor? Her attempts to starve the other kids? Her crush on Greg (she votes for him EVERY week)? Her thoughts on bossiness/George Bush? No, we need to start with her answer to the question: "Who have been some of the worst U.S. presidents, and why?" because part of that answer was:

Bill Clinton because he lowered the country's moral. Jimmy Carter because he gave away the Panama Canal.

THE PANAMA CANAL!!!! Didn't America stop caring about the Panama Canal after we no longer needed it as a shortcut for ships going to California for the Gold Rush? I have NEVER heard Canalgate '77 mentioned as a major event and I took at least 2 history classes in college. I hate Jimmy Carter as much as anyone, but that's based on rational reasons like his alleged antisemitism and my hatred of humanitarianism.

What about Hoover? What about the Teapot Dome guy? Andrew Jackson and the trail of tears? W?? Didn't every president in the like 20 years before the Civil war kind of suck? Wasn't one named Taylor?? The only thing William Henry Harrison did as President was die; surely that's worse than giving away a crap canal.

Let it go, Taylor. There are other canals for you to enjoy here in America. Right in your home state of Georgia you have the Augusta Canal, the Brunswick Altamaha, and the Savannah Ogeechee (among others). Time to move on. Let Panama have this one and leave Jimmy Carter alone.

Holy Wars

So excited to see next week's episode. I think that the level of religious sensitivity will be roughly equivalent to that Diversity Day episode of The Office. Go Jew Crew!

A Rough Diamond in the Rough

My new favorite kid on Kid's Nation is without a doubt Colton.  Check out his bio: 

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/bios/colton/

 

Reasons I Love Colton:

 

1.  He doesn't give a shit.  While most of the greedy little grubbers are out there trying to get that gold star, he is out there to be a kid.  He filled his jacket with flour and ran around letting it fly out the sleeves (I wish there was a youtube on this but there isn't).  Brilliant. But it's not like he tries to be naughty.  I think it just comes naturally to him.  Also check out his bio above.  Most kids did 4 different surveys on a bunch of topics.  Colton does one.

 

2.  He's focused.  This rough and tumble kid answered 12 questions for his bio.  8 of his answers had to do with football (if you count PE as football related, which I do) and the other four he probably couldn't work football into (ex.  "What are your political views?").  He wants to be a football player and it is all-consuming.  How often do you see that kind of determination in an 11 year old?  PS I also like that he is the only one who doesn't want to be an engineer or biochemist or world leader, or something equally boring for a little kid to want to be. 

 

3.  He gets stuff done.  How many Yellow Team kids caught a sheep?  ONE.  Colton caught all three sheep.  Taylor and her posse better start sucking up to him---I'm thinking he's going to be a power player later (decided lack of a gold star notwithstanding).

 

4.  There are about a million more reasons but I have to work now. 

 

 

If global warming is real, then why is it so cold in B-city?

This is the first post (of many) in which I spend way too much time reading the kids' surveys on cbs.com and reporting back the good stuff. Thanks Jana for telling me about these gems.

Today's topic: "global warming- fact or myth?"

Mallory thinks global warming is a myth. "God's in charge of our environment." Golden star!! Wait a minute, Olivia says global warming is real, "but it isn't huge". Olivia for the win. Whatever, those same parents will be getting a call either way. Also, I am shocked that her dad mentioned a school bus because I would've bet a year's merchant class salary that those kids were homeschooled.

I hate Alex for being 9 and knowing more about the Kyoto Treaty than I do. Also, Eric can quote Al Gore's movie in its entirety, but he's 14 so I'm not as impressed.

My next post will be about Jonbenet. I mean Taylor.

The Lawlessness of Bonanza City

So, it seems the producers of this amazing show are under attack for alleged child labor law violations.  http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/kid_nation/2007_Aug_24_investigation_contract   While this claim brings back fond memories of Full House requiring a set of twins to play Michelle and not so fond memories of 7th Heaven letting both twins have roles (bad move, 7th Heaven), it offends me, in this case both personally and professionally.  As a lover of the show, I'm of course irrate at anyone who attacks it.  As a serious legal professional, I know that the bigger claim for child labor law violations should be slapped against whoever is responsible for spawning Greg.  With all this kid's experience, he must be holding down at least three full-time jobs outside of his budding reality TV career (I count PVC pipe layer, butcher, and shepard so far, based on his claims to date and we're only in Week 3).  So, New Mexico authorities, I deplore you to go after Father/Mother of Greg and leave the best hour of my week alone. 

 

Or if you're really looking for someone to nail, why not try Emilie's parents for violations of child labor laws?  They let her break wild stallions. 

a man needs his root beer

I guess if you leave 40 39 kids alone in the desert with access to a saloon, you'd better expect soda chugging contests and root beer car bombs. Especially when one of those 39 kids is Greg. Not that I blame him. If I worked as a butcher at the age of 14, I'd be hitting the root beer pretty hard too. The over 21 drinking age law should have an exception: if you know how to lay a sprinkler system AND can butcher a cow-- you get to drink. We will call it Greg's Law. But the driving age will stand at 16. The pioneer handbook has no tolerance for fake drunk driving.

My other favorite kid in this scene was Sophia. She chugged that soda like a champ. I bet that if they played root beer pong, Sophia would dominate. Greg's ski hat would obscure his vision, causing him to lose, and then he'd complain about other people violating some ridiculous rule that only he has heard of. Now that I think about it, I'm actually surprised they didn't bust out some drinking games. They could've played quarters pennies (love the cost of living in that town. 25 cents for a purse--sign me up!!). Maybe they did and it got edited out.

Love Laurel, but she is the girl at a party who is like "I LOVE YOU GUYS!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!" and all her friends are like "not again". At least she was a part of the debauchery (excellent form on her root beer bomb).

More to come later since we are serious legal professionals and kinda busy.