A Note about Rewards

Why is the reward always a choice between an actual reward and something that is so clearly NOT a reward?  A library full of encyclopedias and text books is not a reward.  Harry Potter and comic books might be considered a reward, but I didn't notice any of those in the crate.  Dental hygiene products?  ALSO not a reward.  Using a toothbrush is not fun, even if it is an electric toothbrush.  A reward should be something that makes Mallory look like this:

 

She did not look like this when they showed the books.  Please take my point, CBS. 

 

Book Learnin'

"Education is the root of civilization. If a person is uneducated, they'll be flipping burgers at the supermarket." Wait a minute Jared, do they even have burgers at the supermarket?

Ok, I am super busy, but I really need to talk about this "history of Bonanza City" letdown. I assumed that CBS got some college intern to make up a fake history of this fake town. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to just be a history of the local Native Americans. Not cool.

Also, how hard is it to sit in a room and listen to a kid read to you from a fake book? Answer: not hard. Especially when the alternative is sitting around in a chicken coop. What I'm saying is that Taylor is dumb. Maybe if she liked learning, she'd have learned some basic logic by now.

Did you guys hear when the host guy told the kids they are "good students and good shooters." FALSE!! Zach thought there was an Indian tribe called the pintos and Mike wasted all the red team's ammo. Hunter is an aberration, but that could be expected b/c of his experience with guns. Also, his name is Hunter.

10 chickens, 1 ax, 10 heads

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE PART 2, y'all!!! Emilie has a new ally in Taylor. And another ally in Kelsey because she is a lackey. Wait, does it count as civil disobedience if they advocate the killing of ugly chickens? That would be like if MLK said to disenfranchise Asians, right?

Be honest guys- when did you first know about pi?? I think I first heard of it in high school and I am really good at math!! Alex is trying to out-nerd Jared, but it is hard to compete with Jared's knowledge of extraterrestrials/weird hat. Anjay can only look on in defeat; he has been thoroughly out-nerded. Next week Alex will probably mention L'Hopital's Rule or polar coordinates or...um those are all the calculus terms i can remember. Basically what I'm saying is that "Anjay the genius" would so lose in a chess game against either Alex or Jared.

Ok, I didn't start watching this until midnight because sometimes I have a life outside of kid nation, but I'll post more tomorrow.

Jauntiest Cap Award....

....goes to Markelle.  See below. 

 

 

This kid has, time and time again, proven himself worthy of this highly prestigious award.  See also

 

 

He even wears ski hats with pizazz:

 

 

Finally, we all know some people are born talented and others have to work at it.  It seems jauntiness is in Markelle's genes.  Check out this family picture:

 

 

Shout out to Julie for first noticing Markelle's jaunty cap.

Some Comments About the Letters

Jared's 4 yo sister wrote him a really long letter. 4 YEARS OLD! This should surprise no one. If you're going to memorize Shakespeare at age 9, you'd better start reading at 2. I hadn't even heard of Shakespeare until middle school.

Olivia's letter was TYPED. Can we really blame her for her lack of compassion? Who types a letter to their kid, especially when they sent that kid to ye olde child labor ghost town?

Why do these kids care what their dogs/baby brothers/parents are up to? When I went to camp, I totally cared more about WRITING letters, mainly to tell stories (kids are self-centered) and to complain. It's not a coincidence that the kids are only allowed to talk to their parents immediately after getting a check for $20k; obviously you'd be less likely to complain the minute after that happens. Imagine if they could write at any time? How would you, as a hypothetical parent, react to the following news:

Hi Mom and Dad. I opened up a store. Some kid pushed over my store. Then I burned my face with oil. - Divad

Hi, I wished someone happy birthday and the bigger kids yelled at me. Also, one kid called me a girl. - Pharoah

Namaste. Olivia is going to kill me. I'm afraid. Send help. - Anjay

Shalom! I just got deposed. - Zach

I was sexually harassed on the street. - Natasha

Hey y'all. They make me do dishes. - Taylor

p.s. Look at Kelsey in that picture. She is the only one who didn't get covered in pie. LEAST FAVORITE. Woah, I just noticed that her letter is typed too. What is wrong with these parents??

I'm Still Mad About The Ponies

Do you guys realize how much better the rest of the episodes would be if they had chosen the ponies? Colton obvs would teach kids how to lasso them. Pony rides. Pony races. Pony dress-up. Maybe one of the ponies is a wild mustang pony and Emily could tame it. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES. I am seriously upset about this.

Why are there only 60 minutes in an hour?

There just is never enough time for all the goodness KN has to offer.  As such, the deleted scenes are a MUST.  Check out this week's gold star nominations:

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/video.php?mode=episodes&episode=10&showid=170441&autostart=1   At the end of the episode on Wednesday, one of the Councilmen said, "We thought hard about giving it to nobody!"  And I thought, wow, what a dick move that would have been!  But then, after seeing this clip, a bunch of people actually suggested that nobody get it (notably, Campbell and Olivia, among others).  Have the kids of KN lost their shiny gold-star worthiness? 

 

You know I've never had a problem with Laurel.  She seems like a pretty good kid, notwithstanding her "12 going on 38"ness.  But did she really deserve the gold star?  No (and I say this with full knowledge that Colton voted for her).  It was a consolation prize.  But here is where Kid Nation meets Survivor--it was strategy.  She's clearly still got the Green District wrapped around her little finger and the Council needed to make peace with her, while Hunter gets slighted yet again. Maybe the boys on the Council have learned that you catch more flies with sugar than honey--aka--bribe Laurel as opposed to harassing the Town women. 

kid nation mockery

Right after I posted that, my dad asked me if I wanted pez. I assumed he was making fun of me for watching kid nation, but no, he really bought pez. I'd rather have a pony. Who still buys pez?

The green team all raising their hands in disapproval reminded me of when those guys did the black power salute in the olympics.

Oh where did those kids get parasols btw?

stupid phonographs

Do the pies have any significance? Even a fake significance? Also, did you notice how Blaine initially put television FIRST, meaning he thought it was invented before the radio, typewriter, telephone, etc.? That was my favorite part. Second favorite- Pharoah repeatedly messing up the "communication training." Also loved Greg, Blaine, and DK becoming the town sexual harrassers. Why no pioneer journal this week? I AM SO MAD THAT THE TOWN COUNCIL DIDN'T PICK THE PONIES. This is worse than the bible decision. Ha, did you notice how Hunter's letter from his approx. 6 year-old brother mentioned playing with guns. YES. Ok, I am still mad about the ponies. The show isn't even over yet, but I said I'd help my mom polish silver and my family is not supportive of my kid nation habit, apparently. Maybe will post more later. HAPPY THANKSGIVING KID NATION FANS.

Bonanza City Needs an Arbitrator

I'm not even half-way through this episode and this much is clear:  Bonanza City needs an arbitrator.  JAMS, AAA, whatever, these kids need help.  Keeping with the concept, they could pull in a child arbitrator.  I knew some nerdy but good "Peer Mediators" in middle school.  Maybe these are still around?  Also, maybe the arbitrator could bring some scissors because all the boys need haircuts. 

Facebook Flop?

Also, just as an FYI, I added the KN facebook app.  So far, I don't believe it does a SINGLE DAMN THING.  It let me pick a thumbnail pic (and I, of course, chose Alex (Colton wasn't a choice)) but then I see no evidence of this at all on my profile.  If any of you were considering adding it, it might not be worth the effort. 

Sign me up

I have bad news for you all (and for me).  The deadline for signing up to try-out for Kid Nation 2 was October 9.  Even though I probably would have aged out (I'm not expert, but I don't think I qualify for a kid), I'm still a little disappointed.  Becky and I would have been bad ass on that show!  As upset as I am about it, there are others out there who seemed to have wanted it more.  From the CBS message boards (you know I love them):

 

"Dude, I just anna be on Kid Nation, it's all that I really want.  Well, that and the iPod Touch." 

 

I'd probably rank my life goals in that order too. 

Another Reason to Drink

Jana pointed out that I incorrectly referred to the stones as bricks. I don't know why I did this, but it doesn't really matter. On to something more important...

Thank you to all our commenters! I know there are a lot of people who watch KN, but most seem to be the type of people who would post a thread on the cbs message board called "Greg's labeto" (seriously!) and that doesn't make me feel any better about my obsession. Your comments help ease the pain. And there is a lot of pain b/c even our friends make fun of us. But the best part about our commenters is that one of them created this masterpiece:

Kid Nation Drinking Game (by JD Beebe and friends)
drink when:
1. Taylor says something sassy and/or bitchy
2. Anytime Anjay gets demoralized, dehumanized or immasculated
3. Anytime Elmer Fudd (red head girl) says something with speech impediment
4. Anytime Mike goes fucking ballistic (and shows insecurities about lackluster real life)
5. every time we see a new kid
6. Every time crazy ass Jared does/says something nuts
7. Every time one tooth Alex says anything vastly beyond his years
8. DRINK TWICE- when they drink at the bar
9. Every time host has sad realization of his failed career
10. Every time they show a job not done
11. Every time you see a cold sore (limited to one drink per kid)
12. Every time the kids look like they're freezing their cocks off
13. Every time time they try to use what they interpret to be adult reasoning which is actually just fucking stupid logic
14. Every time time someone mentions mom
15. Every time there is sexual tension and/or possibly a boner
16. Every time the sick twisted hand of nature shits on Bonanza City

Thanks for sending this in. P.S. Jana, this means that anonymous commenters have posted more than you today, so get your act together.

Crunching the #s

These were the final numbers from the challenge:
Blue: 480 lbs.
Yellow: 460 lbs.
Green: 420 lbs.
Red: 485 lbs.

I have never worked as a bricklayer (I'm guessing Greg did for a year or two in between the butcher job and that sprinkler systems gig) but I'd guess that a brick weighs about 5 lbs. That means that just a few bricks separate each team. The red team probably had ONE BRICK more than the blue team. That is totally insignificant! Also, if the order went 420-460-480-485, then maybe you could make the argument that people were too concerned with their own position, but that clearly wasn't the case here. It's not like the rules said each team must carry 100 bricks and green strolled in with 50 to get first place! Newsflash: Green got third place. They obvs thought they had enough. Ok, I think I've taken this far enough. My point is that Guylan should have known that it generally isn't the best idea to call people out when they just hauled 50 mallories of bricks (well, more like 46) in exchange for 15 cents, a break from homeschooling, and infinite boredom. How can a city succeed if its leaders do not know such universal truths?

Sophia vs. Guylan

OK, maybe she shouldn't have said it, but she gave Guylan a genuine apology. These kids have bibles now so they should be all about forgiveness. Also, Guylan went on and on about the other teams not carrying enough rocks, but red really only had like 5-10 pounds more than the other teams (and still under 500, right?) so he was asking for it. Case closed.

Guylan is unsmart

Both halves of this episode had everyone hating on Guylan. The Sophia swearing incident was more dramatic, but I think I liked the first one better. To recap:

Everyone is a free agent and Guylan has a chance to make a beneficial trade. And he chooses Nathan, arguably the weirdest kid in BCity. Guylan's reasoning: Nathan is intelligent and strong.

The red team is PISSED, especially Markelle (later seen wearing a "hi my name is trouble" t-shirt and his signature jaunty cap) and Jared. Jared points out that Nathan sings in his sleep. Not a positive attribute when you are sleeping on the floor of a bunkhouse and have to wake up at 5am for a day of manual labor.

Does Guylan say anything to inspire his team and get them to rally around their new member (like Anjay successfully did for the blue team with Emilie)? NO! Right in front of Nathan, Guylan says, "I know you guys hate him." That was mean, which is why I don't feel bad making fun of a 10 year old on my blog (Guylan deserves it--- sorry anonymous). Ok where was I...oh yes, then Jared menacingly waved around that lollypop pimp cane (see photo) and gave Guylan one piece of advice- "lock your cell door tonight." Amazing.

The other great part of this scene was Mike (who got waaay better in this episode) saying "all he does is haul water.....just stating the facts." Then ALEX got into the mix. "I don't like Guylan. He's totally unsmart." If Alex thinks it, then you KNOW it's the truth.

I didn't pay much attention after this scene because my friend came over and he has NEVER SEEN KID NATION and I kept feeling the need to point out Alex and Jared anytime they appeared in the background. Also, have you guys noticed that it's getting increasingly necessary to rewind to be able to actually hear what these kids are saying. Next week's reward should be a speech therapist.

The red team is dusty

New clues for my ongoing diagnosis of Nathan

- cleaned every jar in the store
- freaked out about changing teams mainly because blue is his favorite color, not red
- allergic to dustmites
- Guylan thinks he is intelligent and strong
- sings in his sleep
- hates change (quote: "I hate change")
- wears shorts when everyone else is in parkas (also- crocs)

(this list is mainly for my benefit. I am really trying to figure this out.)

COULD THEY BE ANY MORE WRONG?!?!?

Quotes from tonight that prompt me to wonder if these kids had frontier-microwaved cocoa for breakfast or crack: 

 

Emilie:  "Nobody's the coolest kid here.  We're all equal." (See my post about lies parents tell their nerdy/wimpy kids) Also notable, her later quote:  "Trust me, I'll pick up my game."

 

Michael:  "Does anyone else think the gold star will significantly increase their sex appeal?" (shudder)

 

Guylan:  "I wear my bandana in a really cool way."  (Okay--I made this one up)

 

Zach:  "The Yellow District.  They're just a bunch of girls.  Including Colton..." (WATCH IT)

 

Greg:  "Laurel didn't trade any of her teammembers.  She has THE strongest team!"  (Ummm...didn't they lose approx EVERY showdown until the last one?)

 

Nathan:  "The red boys' bunk is kind of dusty."  (Ummm...you are in the middle of the desert.)

 

Shout-outs: 

1.  Alex's mini-breakdown.  When Alex gets pissed you know something is wrong. 

2.  Jared's emotional jail cell scene (note the pimp cane reappearance).

3.  Loved it every time Mike owned Guylan. 

 

Fashionable Kid Nation Parent Alert

Of course I am talking about Kennedy's mom. Pink cardigan, pink hair bow (in the classic Minnie Mouse style) and pearls. Also, her phone has some kind of hanging decorative charm that I think is a cross. Her adornments make me want to move to the south.

Oh and since they are going to mix up the teams anyway, here is what I think they should look like:

UPPER CLASS: Greg, Blaine, Sophia, Michael, Alex, Jared, DK, Laurel, Campbell, Pharoah.
MERCHANTS: Kennedy, Divad, Savannah, Mallory, Hunter, Leila, Migle, Markelle, Morgan, Natasha
COOKS: Colton, Brett, Emilie, Eric, Gianna, Jasmine, Madison, Maggie, Randi, Sophie
LOWER CLASS: Zach, Olivia, Kelsey, Mike, Anjay, Nathan, Guylan, Taylor

Not Feeling Creative, So....

...I'm going to reference something not of my own originality. The CBS message board for Kid Nation is amazing. Check out this link:

http://boards.cbs.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=300&nav=messages&webtag=cbskidmb&tid=3

In this one thread alone I detected the following:

1. Someone (prob a child molester) trying to pick up someone (prob a child). ("Hey, it was really interesting to read your bio. I love this show to. Maybe we can talk more together about different things becasue you seem like a very interesting person.. read my bio, just so you know i'm not crazy or anything like that!!!" in response to "I'm hoping this show will last for several, several season. I want to be watching new episodes when I'm 100 years old! Go Kid Nation! I'm addicted to the show!") CALL THE FEDS!

2. Insightful social criticism. ("I don't like the idea that the upperclass gets payed more than everyone else on the show but everyone else is doing more work")

3. Creatively-spelled insults aimed at apparently no one in particular. ("LIER LIER LIER THE SHOW IS KICK BUTT!!!")

4. And so much more. Check it out! (Or I may call you a LIER for no reason!)

Living the Poor

Hi Kelsey, where do you like to go on vacation?
When it's the summer time, I love kicking off my shoes and relax at the beach.

Oh, and where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I see myself as a girl ready to graduate from the college of UPenn Wharton School, ready to lead a successful life, and get a loving and caring family.

Loving and caring families are expensive- how will you buy one?
I want to become a financial advisor at Wall Street, earning a lot of money.

I see you value money.
If I could switch places with one person, it would be a poor girl or boy around my age because I would love to see them finally live a good life full of advantages, while I would be living the poor.

Ok, one last question, what is your favorite movie?
Barbershop

Don't Laugh At Her

The positive reception to Olivia's stand-up routine is evidence of the fact that kids will laugh at anything. My sister teaches second grade and she tells me this ALL THE TIME. Now I believe her.

Side note: I have a new entry for my "a man needs..." tally. This week, Campbell told us that "without sugar, you couldn't live". This totally counts. I try and listen for these pronouncements re: BCity necessities, but if anyone heard any others, PLEASE let me know. Sometimes I am too distracted by Alex jumping up and down or something.

Reason #47 Why There Should Be A Kid Nation DVD (With Deleted Scenes)

According to this photo, Mike sang in the talent show. Jana also tells me that Nathan sang Greensleeves. Why did CBS deny the television audience these talents? I don't think it's because the editors didn't want to show kids who performed badly (b/c mini Billy Joel was definitely not good) so what is with this censorship? Oh, the reason I care is that I need more evidence to properly determine just what Nathan's deal is. Greensleeves probably means it is less-likely that he has OCD and more likely that it is just a case of homeschoolitis. Why does CBS deny me the ability to make a proper diagnosis??

update: I just realized that Jana meant that there is actual video of Nathan singing on the CBS website. And of all the kids. I am definitely going to watch all of these at some point and I am seriously upset that I have a lot of work to do.

SOPHIA IS THE BEST

Jana is insane. The other half of this blog (ie, ME!!!) supports Sophia. Sure, she is going a little loopy from being stuck in BCity with a bunch of 8 year olds, some biscuits, and a lot of rats, but it is still undeniable that she is awesome. She doesn't fall for the producers' stupid stunts like the religious fervor (p.s. Laurel sang amazing grace a few weeks too late to participate in the Holy Wars) or the excitement about the lamer prizes or basically most of the manipulative tactics these producers use. As one of the older kids, she already kind of has her adult personality, and it's not that bad. I do think she reminds me of some of the people we went to school with, who take everything in life a little too seriously (Mer and I came up with specific names. I'll email you) but whatever, I still like her. Sophia for the win. Back me up here people!

Dancing Machine

My posts have been a little negative lately.  From now on I focus on the positive things about BC--which are plentiful.  I've always expected great things from Campbell (see my 10/18 post).  Well, last night he started to deliver!  Not only did he chew gum like he was being paid buffalo nickels for it (which in a way, I guess he was), but he did it with pizzazz!  He danced all around while chewing and the boy's got moves!  I wish there was a clip of this, but I can't find one. :( 

Poser-Alert

Something's been bugging me for a while.  Sophia has you all brainwashed into thinking she is awesome.  Well, I've got news for you:  SOPHIA IS A POSER.  She wants people to think she is unique and all hippy-reincarnate, but she tries too hard.  And before I continue, let me say to you, anonymous, I'm sure she's a perfectly good kid, intelligent, ballsy, blah blah blah.  But she is a poser.  Oh, let me lay down in the street and pretend I'm dying of boredom (see below), but when everyone else starts doing it, I'm out of here, peace.  I know another way to get her out of the street--give Colton a couple of root beers and hand him a cart. 

I also think is was slightly evil to:  (i) Attempt to dash Morgan's conception of God a few episodes back and (ii) continually say she disapproved of the job the council was doing when she really only disapproved of Taylor.  All in all, I think she let that gold star go straight to her head.  Poser. 

Jared Appreciation Day

I really don't blame the editors for including Jared as part of every subplot in this episode. Best kid!

Jared Highlights
- The matter-of-fact way in which he said "You know what, I wasn't the worst"
- He explained the cause of the dark ages
- Henry V!
- This quote re: GregandBlaine in dresses: "It takes a lot of talent to get up on stage and not show your fruit of the looms"
- The lollypop pimp cane's reappearance (and the vest!)
- The clip of him saying he was mad they didn't get the reward (this is a highlight b/c of the fact that they chose to show him here, even though he didn't say anything particularly hilarious, even though he was already in this episode 10x).

BONUS: Alex Highlights
- Talking about BCity's Paris and Nicole, and saying he didn't know what that means!
- The 18 random shots of him in a crowd (they showed him constantly!)
- His sunglasses
- His pep talk to Savannah and how he told her she is a contribution to Bonanza City. Cutest kid.

OK, fine, here are some other non Jared/Alex highlights
- Markelle's jaunty cap
- Kentucky Dinner (roadkill?)
- Colton's new mowhawk
- Campbell's bird calls (dedicated to his bird!!)

Also, did you guys notice how the producers used quarters instead of buffalo nickels in the gum ball challenge? Was this to make sure that no one pocketed a buffalo nickel?? First the padlocked ballot boxes and now this. NO TRUST!

Lax in my Duties

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I'm sorry. As you are all aware, I am serious legal professional and sometimes that takes up my time.  However, I recently evaluated my priorities and decided the blogging is one of them.  Expect more from me in the future.

 

In the meantime, I was SHOCKED to discover that some people outside our common facebook friends read this (see comments to my scathing review of Guylan).  While I stand by my opinions, I would like to add the following to my critique of the Town Councilmember:  Yes, anonymous, you are correct that at least he has the guts to go on the show. 

 

Note:  This blog is for entertainment purposes.  And it is entertaining.  If you don't like our opinions (in the words of Taylor)  DEAL WITH IT. 

Someone made a kid nation drinking game!!!

I am always really glad to see that we are not the only 4 normal adults who appreciate the brilliance of this show. The Kid Nation Drinking Game gives me faith in humanity.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/11/kid_nation_the_drinking_game

Those kids really are always mentioning George Bush! Sophia is always telling it like it is! And I think there are at least 15 kids who haven't spoken yet.

Anyway, we totally have to do this. I think we need to add in something about Pharoah to get Julie to participate. Also, I am going to drink anytime the following things happen:

- Greg shows his softer side (like by wearing a dress!)
- Mike adds 14 extra syllables to a word
- Kelsey fails to correctly conjugate a verb
- Nathan exhibits signs of OCD
- Any kid wears his/her bandana in a way we haven't seen before (hopefully Guylan will come through on this one)
- Kelsey tries to be someone else's sidekick (she has already tried and failed with Taylor and Divad)

Mo Money, Mo Problems

So, the contrived theme of this week's episode was money. The town council found a treasure chest, aka "$18.50 worth of greed." Knowing that the kids would just "blow it all on stupid things," the TC decided to buy necessities, like a guitar and some kites. Um, ok.

I want a goose to lay golden eggs for Easter....
Two things about the showdown: the red team needs to stop making serious tactical errors and the host doesn't know the definition of money laundering. Poor guy is probs developmentally disabled and getting paid $2 a day to host this shit. That's FORTY NICKELS.

Side note: why can't Kelsey conjugate verbs or tell the difference b/w nouns and verbs or do whatever it is she can't do? This week's quote: "He was trying to competing." Maybe instead of spending all her time trying desperately to be someone's sidekick, she should read a book. I think I know where she can find a bible. Or maybe she can read something else, because we all know she doesn't know a lot about Muslim or Jewish.